Confidence

I spent the afternoon cheering on the Minnesota Golden Gophers basketball team to their lopsided victory over Penn St. It was awesome! Apart from a few minutes at the beginning, they dominated throughout the game. There was no point when the Gophers hit a cold spell. There was no point at which Penn St. really got back into it. The Gophers were on a roll.

Near the end of the game, I looked up at a stat scoreboard and saw that they were shooting 67%! That's 2 out of every 3 shots that were falling for them. They were truly getting every good bounce and roll. One player in particular was emblematic of this, Devron Bostick. He shot 7 for 8, 2 for 2 from three point range, and he was 3 for 3 from the line. He was on fire.

Anyone who has played basketball competitively recognizes this as common place. Sometimes shooters just get hot. They find their stroke and their confidence soars. When this happens, they can't miss. The hoop looks seven feet wide, and everything falls for them.

There is a striking parallel to the real world. When we have confidence, things tend to go better. When we feel sure of ourselves, we can often tackle bigger problems with greater grace. When we start a task believing that we will be able to finish it, we usually do.

I'm someone who doesn't default to this sort of confidence. I've developed a more critical and skeptical attitude. It's easier and it comes across as more intellectual to doubt something than to just will confident belief. But when it comes to my spiritual growth, like in basketball, I've found this sort of doubt can be self-defeating. If I don't believe I can make changes in my life and experience real personal transformation, it's likely that I won't. Peter addresses our source of confidence for growth in the following passage:

2 Peter 1:3-9 (Today's New International Version)

3 His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. 4 Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.
5 For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; 6 and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; 7 and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. 8 For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. 9 But if any of you do not have them, you are nearsighted and blind, and you have forgotten that you have been cleansed from your past sins.

"His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life..." I love that. We can have confidence that we can experience change and transformation. We can have confidence that our efforts at godliness are not in vain. We will experience growth and transformation. In the game of life, we can have confidence in our own potential for spiritual progress.

Hate yourself, Hate others

The false ascetic begins by being cruel to everybody because he is cruel to himself. But he ends by being cruel to everybody but himself. Merton, No Man is an Island, pg. 96

Merton highlights the importance of rooting the acts of spiritual disciplines in self-love not self-loathing. It's easy to allow our frustration with ourselves to drive us to work harder at self-improvement. But this only perpetuates a cycle of self-hatred which spreads to others-hatred. Spiritual disciplines that bring about the desired growth effect are those rooted in self-love. When we love the person God has made us to be and believe that we can achieve the dreams he has planted in our hearts, self-discipline finds the fuel it needs to succeed.

Our Next Step in the Journey

Starting in early December, Mary and I will be transitioning into a new phase of our lives. I will begin a church planting residency at Emmanuel Covenant Church in Roseville, MN. After leaving Highrock Covenant Church in Boston, MA more than two years ago, we look forward to our time at Emmanuel with excitement.

We moved out to the Minneapolis area because of a possible church planting job with Wooddale church, a large mega-church in the western suburbs of Minneapolis. After things didn’t work out with Wooddale, I pursued church planting with another denomination. They were agreeable to move forward, but I didn’t feel ready to plant yet and I wasn’t sure the denomination was a good fit for me. I returned to the Evangelical Covenant denomination last January. After meeting with some of the staff of the denomination, it was determined that I should go through a church planters’ assessment last May (read about that here). Both Mary and I have been surprised by the love and support of the ECC. They seem to do church planting well, and I feel very much at home within the denomination.

Throughout the last four years, I’ve worked for Gordon-Conwell as a Web developer, first for Ockenga and then for the IT department. I’ve worked on a variety of their web applications, and I’ve helped design a number of their pages. It has been a positive work environment, and I’ve learned a lot about teamwork and leadership from watching my co-workers there. It has also been a fun place for me to work. Weird as this may sound, I like programming. There is a creative element of putting all that code together to accomplish a task that will make the end-user’s life just a little bit simpler and more efficient that gives me satisfaction. I will miss my job at Gordon-Conwell.

Working at Emmanuel is the next step in the journey for us, and I believe it’s a good one. I’ve met with the lead pastor there, and I’ve gotten a feel for their church culture. I think it’s a great fit for me, and I’m eager to be a part of the ministry of their church. They are a one year old church plant that seems to be healthy and thriving. The duration of the residency is six months. The goal is to get me back into vocational ministry, help better connect me to the Covenant church in Minneapolis, and provide a hands on church-planting learning environment. During the residency I will be gearing up for planting a church, so that upon the completion of the residency we can hit the ground running.

Thanks to everyone who has supported and prayed for us through this transition. I’m starting to recognize that we aren’t really transitioning from an uncertain place to a certain place, but that this is just the next step in our faith journey--certainty about the future is elusive. We know what the next six months look like, and for now that’s good enough for us!

Making Decisions

Making big decisions has historically been a gut-wrenching experience for me. Instead of feeling liberated by the Christian truth that God promises to lead us, I feel burdened by it. The pressure of being certain about the will of God has weighed me down to the point of debilitation. The need to get it right and not make a bad choice has tended to destroy any joy that is supposed to be present in Christian freedom. Decisions have turned into those fork in the road moments where I'm consumed with the fear of taking the wrong path.

It is with this personal back-drop that I read the following quote. I find it an excellent articulation of our responsibility and freedom in making decisions in the real world.

It is now necessary to actually discern what the will of God may be, what might be right in the given situation, what may please God; for one must, of course, live and act concretely. Intellect, cognitive ability, and attentive perception of the context come into lively play here. All of this discerning will be encompassed and pervaded by the commandment. Prior experiences will raise encouraging or cautionary notes. Under no circumstances must one count on or wait for unmediated inspirations, lest all to easily one fall prey to self-deception. Given the matter at hand, an intensely sober attitude will govern the discerning. Possibilities and consequences will be considered carefully. In short, in order to discern what the will of God may be, the entire array of human abilities will be employed. But in all of this there will be no place for the torment of being confronted with insoluble conflicts, nor the arrogance of being able to master any conflict, nor also the enthusiastic expectation and claim of direct inspirations. here will be faith that, to those who humbly ask, God will surely make the divine will known. And then, after all such serious discernment there will also be freedom to make a real decision; in this freedom there will be confidence that it is not the human but the divine will that is accomplished through such discernment. The anxiety about wether one has done the right thing will turn neither into a desperate clinging to one's own good, nor into the certainty of knowing about good and evil. Instead, it will be overcome in the knowledge of Jesus Christ, who alone exercises gracious judgment; this will allow one's goodness to remain hidden the knowledge of grace of the judge until the proper time

Bonhoeffer, Ethics, 323-24

Animals: Another Other to Love (Or, Why I'm a Vegetarian)

I'm a vegetarian. It's sort of a new thing for me. I've abstained from meat since the beginning of February. It's been surprisingly easy with the assortment of good vegetarian foods available, and my love affair with sweets. But a lot of people ask me why I'm a vegetarian, and so I thought I'd share a video that graphically portrays the essential reason behind it.

This is a video about a couple of guys who raised a baby lion, released it into the wild, and then sought it out a year later. Take a look:



For me, this video gives me a glimpse of how humans and animals have a potential to relate to one another. I believe that God's original plan for creation was devoid of death, and hence devoid of meat-eating. Animosity entered the animal-human relationship, and carnivores were born, but that wasn't they way it was supposed to be (Gen 1:29-30).

I believe that in the ultimate restoration of God's creation this human-animal relationship will be restored to something like we see in the video above. Humanity will have dominion over the animals just as God has dominion over us: we will graciously rule through sacrificial love and service. Instead of exploiting animals as meat-making-machines without feelings or lives of value, we will treasure them as important parts of God's creation.

Household pets can be good examples of proper human-animal relationships. Humans can rule over their pets in a loving affectionate way that demands sacrifice for the well-being of the pet. Pets are often considered parts of the family and the intimate tie that owners feel towards their cats and dogs is tangibly felt. Pet owners know that their pets have emotions--they feel anxiety, loyalty, hope, faith and love. I believe this is a reality for all animals, not just pets, and so I choose not to eat them.

My convictions are rooted in scripture, but I wouldn't assert that vegetarianism is mandatory for all Christians. There are plenty of examples of meat-eating in the Bible. However, there are also plenty of examples that point us to the high worth of animals in God's eyes. So for Christians who choose to eat meat, I think a serious look at our food-producing system is in order. We are detached from the birth, growth, and slaughter of the meat we (as a culture) eat. Some of us would be mortified to see the way the animals we eat are treated.

I'm still trying to figure all of this out. At first I didn't eat eggs, but now I'm eating eggs from free-range chickens. Maybe next week I'll change my mind again. This is an evolving experiment that is rooted in my desire to life a more gracious life. Being a vegetarian is a personal calling that helps me enter into a more holistic life of compassion. It is one way I can practice a heavenly lifestyle here on earth now.

For further reading:
A great book on vegetarianism for Christians: Webb, Stephen On God and Dogs

A Pastors journey into vegetarianism: http://gregboyd.blogspot.com/2008/02/why-im-vegetarian.html

ECC Assessment

Mary and I just returned from the Evangelical Covenant Church's church planter assessment.  The assessment was held at a nearby Covenant church in Plymouth MN.  It started at noon this past Wednesday, May 28, and finished up at noon today May 31st.  There were 15 couples being assessed, and around 12 assessors. The assessors included regional church planting directors, church planters, and ECC pastors. The assessment was exhausting and exciting at the same time.

Throughout the week we were asked to do a number of things.  I preached a short mini-sermon.  I gave a call to ministry presentation.  I fielded questions on my call to ministry, my interest in church planting and how I perceived my call to church planting.  Mary and I were asked about our relationship and about how we minister together.  We worked in teams on church planting case studies.  We worked in teams on local church planting strategies.  We gave presentations.  We were interviewed.  From early in the morning to late in the evening the days were filled with these activities and more.  It was very, very tiring.

But it was also exciting.  The ECC had a couple of career counselors/vocational psychologists that helped us review some of our personality and gift finder tests.  They spent a good amount of time unpacking the ins and outs of Golden Personality Test, DISC, and StrengthFinders.  These tests along with their interpretations provided some helpful insights into each of our personality types and our modes of operation when we interact with others.  I also gained very helpful insights into some of my ministry strengths and areas of growth.

The result of the assessment was a recommendation for us to plant a church.  As many of you know, Mary and I have been wrestling with a call to church planting for the last couple years, and we've felt like we have been wandering in a dark vocational wilderness for 3+ years as we've tried to discern our next steps.  This process was an incredibly helpful clarifying event.  It both encouraged us in our gifting and helped us gain clarity on our call to ministry.  Their recommendation comes with considerable support.  It is conditional on us spending some time in a Covenant church in the Twin Cities Metropolitan Area honing some of my ministry skills as I prepare to set out and plant.  This condition seems very wise, and it gives me even more confidence of their assessment of us.

Mary and I are feeling very, very loved and served by the ECC.  The assessors labored all day observing us, and then much of the night deliberating and praying together over us.  Their thoughtful assessment has been a means of God's grace.  Right now we are feeling good.  I'll post more in a couple days on Mary's and my personality types and strengths and what that all means. 

Thanks to all who prayed for us and for those who have supported and cared for us through this process!

It's Worth It!

A common phrase, often used by youth to exert peer pressure, "It's worth it," rarely lives up to expectations. If my memory serves me right, more often than not, it wasn't worth it. My capitulation to my friends pleas, usually led me into something that got me into trouble or just failed to live up to its hype. Too many times, I found it wasn't worth it.

But now as I reflect on my current life frustrations and difficulties, I hear Jesus say to me, "It's worth it," and this time I think I believe. Jesus says, that life will be confusing, frustrating, difficult, and pretty much just crappy, but he says the future reward is worth hardships now. The experience of heaven is worth...(you fill in the blank).

"Jesus said to them...every one who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or lands, for my name's sake, will receive a hundredfold, and inherity eternal life."

Matthew 19:28-29

I don't care if it's reasonable

I wonder how important reasons are? Let's say I want to go and get ice cream. Mary might say, "John, I think you shouldn't go and get ice cream because you've been complaning about your sympathy weight a lot recently. Eating ice won't help you lose that excess weight." This would be a good reason not to go and get ice cream. However, she could just as persuasively argue, "John, you really struggle to enjoy life. You are such a task-oriented person. I think taking a break to get some ice cream might really do you some good." This would also be a good reason, but advocating an different course of action.

This is a simple example. My point is only that good reasons can be found for opposing actions. This is magnified when we considered more complicated situations like faith.

Why is ministry so hard?

Should I go on a missions trip?

God why don't you heal my sickness?

Why do so many missionaries leave the field?

The more I turn to reasons to justify my actions, the more confused I seem to get. I go back and forth between callings, philosophies on spiritual disciplines, purpose and more. I have been a little bit frustrated and feeling a little hopeless.

Then, yesterday I read this from Kierkegaard's "For Self-Examination" (he is talking about some who have doubted the Ascension, which stands for the supernatural in Christianity or really faith altogether, and how to overcome that doubt):

"So some have doubted. But then in turn there were some who sought to refute doubt with reasons. As a matter of fact the connection was actually this: first of all they tried to demonstrate the truth of Christianity with reasons or by advancing reasons in relation to Christianity. And these reasons fostereed doubt and doubt became the stronger. The demonstration of Chrsitianity really lies in imitation. This was taken away. Then the need for "reasons" was felt, but these reasons, or that there are reasons, are already a kind of doubt--and thus doubt arose and lived on reasons. It was not observed that the more reasons one advances, the more one nourishes doubt and the stronger it becomes, that offereing doubt reasons in order to kill it is just like offering the tasty food it likes best of all to a hungry monster one wishes to eliminate. No, one must not offer reasons to doubt--at least not if one's intention is to kill it--but one must do as Luther did, order it to shut its mouth, and to that end keep quit and offer no reasons.

But those whose lives are marked by imitation have not doubted teh Ascension. And why not? In the first place, because their lives were too strenuous...And the imitators truly needed his Ascension in order to endure the life they were leading--and therefore it is certain (emphasis mine). But someone who sits in idleness and ease through good days or is busily astir in busyness from morning to night but has never suffered anything for the sake of truth actually has no need. It is rather something he imagines or something he lets himself imagine for money; he concerns himself with this Ascension more as a curiosity--and so, of course, he doubts, since he has no need(emphasis mine); or he invents some reasons..."

And so I find my answer: imitatio Christi. My life will be found when I lose it. My path will be straight and true when I am walking on the narrow path of suffering. My certainty will follow when my obedience leads me into the hard places of the faith--places where I have need of my faith and need of Christ.

In my pursuit of Reason, I'm abandoning my reason and taking up imitation.

Sleep: good spiritual food

Last night I went to sleep at 7:34pm. And, apart from the occassional wakings for Josiah, I didn't really wake up until 8:00am. I got a full 12 hours of sleep. While this kind of sleep pattern would certainly be considered indulgent if it were a regular occurrence, lastnight I welcomed it as an rejuvenating spiritual practice.

I often find that my short temper, overly indulgent eating habits, and general orneriness can be attributed to sleep deprivation. Prayer, Bible reading and the like are solid helps to gaining in godliness, but sometimes, I just need to sleep to overcome some of my shortcomings.

Today, in light of my long night of sleep, I woke up in a good mood. I was eager to work out. I voluntarily cleaned the kitchen. I was patient with Josiah's fussiness. I answered long emails. In so many ways I felt I had a positive grace about all my interactions. My normal despair vanished and I had a positive outlook on life. I honestly think it can be attributed to nothing more than just a good night's sleep....hmmmm....

I should go to bed soon.

What's God's Will?

I've noticed that more and more regularly the word confused is coming up in my discussions with Mary and some other close friends. It seems to be where all my conversations and ponderings about my calling and future lead...confusion. I just don't have a clear sense as to what I'm 'supposed' to be doing.

I wonder what is God's will? What has he planned out for me to do from before the creation of the world??? Wait, did he plan it out? If he didn't, can I do anything? Well, I would want his input. I wouldn't want to make a decision that would lead to unnecessary suffering, or worse less success. What if I chose a career path that didn't allow much upward mobility? Could I recover? Could I still do all the amazing things I hope to do?

Is God's Will even about all this?????

I have decided, not. God's will is obedience. He wants me to be godly. Whether that means I am to be a godly business man, a godly husband, a godly pastor, a godly lawyer, a godly chef, or a godly whatever, God's will is godliness in whatever profession I embrace.

So, for now, I feel like I have a sense of God's will. He wants me to be a godly
-husband,
-college pastor,
-children's pastor,
-and web programmer.

This is God's will for me: godliness...I'm not sure he cares too much about the other questions.